The Last Month of 2012 - Pain and Love (relato)

In my last post, there was anger and aggressiveness. And personally, anger is by far the easiest emotion to express.

But, yes, I get angry and sometimes I get aggressive;

I get sad and sometimes I feel lost.

I get happy and many times fulfilled.

I also feel pain. I am talking about those kinds of inner pains. Very uncomfortable ones which make you think: "Really? this sucks!"

Last month I went back to El Chalten. At the beginning of my trip, Chalten was quite painful.

I remember the first time I went there in 2006. I went by myself after a personal climbing in Cerro Tronador, Argentina. I took a bus from Bariloche and I had only 5 days. Time only for a hike to the "Senderos" and "Lagunas" and a couple of sport routes in town with a climber from Spain.

In 2007, I was already dating Bernardo (who became my partner for the next 3 years). That year we had decided to spend our vacations in El Frey for a whole month. But then I talked with him about El Chalten, how wonderful it was and how he will love it!.  So, we planned to spend only 15 days there. Not knowing that 15 days was very little time for such mountains!

When we arrived in Chalten, the weather was very nasty. We could not see the mountains at all for 3 or 4 days. We were completely disappointed. On one of those nasty days, we went to "Mirador Fitz Roy". When we got there, the sky cleared out and he finally saw Fitz Roy's range for the first time. He fell in love with those mountains. That year we climbed only the "Anglo-Americana" route in Aguja Rafael Juarez. Bernardo went back to El Chalten the following years: 2008, 2009, 2010. In jan3rd of 2011, he fell while rappelling the "Afanassief " route. He was left in a ledge about 35 pitches up, while his partner went down in a desperate and epic descent for rescue. The rescuers could not go due to the weather conditions and his body had never appeared again since then.

As soon as I knew about the accident I flew there in order to give support to my friend who was climbing Fitz Roy with him and also to make a ceremony for him.  It was definitely a hard and devastating time for all of us: friends and family.

To go back to El Chalten was a conscious decision to make myself exposed to pain, love, anger, sadness, enchantment, happiness, dreams, and hope at the same time. All of these emotions together can be overwhelming. And it was, sometimes. But it was what I wanted. I think it was what I needed. 

I am not sure what has been the biggest lesson of my life, but as I am getting older (and with more grey hair!) I am paying attention that I have been learning a lot from just let go and detachment. 

It was never easy. Especially when I need to let go of emotions and patterns of behaviors or ego needs. I mean, a person needs to let things go only if she or he is aware of how those specific things affect "negatively" her life. 

Well, there is a lot going on here. What is negative? what is constructive? What is positive?

This is all relative and subjective. And it only makes sense if you care about this. If you don`t care, it will be probably easier. Unfortunately, it is not the way it happens to me. I wish I could be "blind" or do no care about the energy of my surroundings and how I have been using my energy in the environment I choose to be part of. Sometimes I wished to be less aware of things. Well, that is not what is happening to me, I am becoming more sensitive and I usually look at the world with a peripheral vision, even when I am too focused on something particularly.

It was very important to be back in such a magical place. It was important to touch Fitz Roy`s rock, even when they were frozen! It was important to make great connections with people from all over the world. It was important to feel again how wonderful is to climb incredible granite cracks until I get very tired. It was important to trust people whom I had never climbed before and make myself reliable for them as well.

The reality is that I had a great time in El Chalten! I feel so fortunate in having the opportunity to live in the present moment and do not let the Past or the Future take over my days in El Chalten.

I think the idea of writing this post comes from the understanding of letting the emotions pass through my body. I cannot let things get stuck in my mind or my "bla, bla bla" mental process. It is too draining!

I know I need to allow the energy to pass through me. Is just like an orgasm. Which energy we have is stronger or more powerful than sexual energy? I don`t know.
So, I will not resist anything.

It can be anger. It can be sadness. It can be happiness or joy. It can be love.

I need to let pass through my body, breathe and enjoy what life presents to me. Everything is important.

what a gift it is life!

Happy 2013 !!!! ( I will post climbing photos at another time :)